Stop running from your pain.

“Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.” ~Unknown

Pain. Grief. Sadness.

We hate it, these are ugly words in our society. One of humans first basic instincts is to avoid being hurt, and since we all would like to avoid the breaking or losing of limbs on a daily basis it’s definitely safe to say avoiding pain, for the most part, is crucial for our survival.

I gratefully have never broken any bones. I have been in some pretty bad car accidents and got banged up a little but that’s about it. On the other hand, I could fill rivers with the tears I’ve cried over getting my heart broken,

losing friends and loved ones,

being uber disappointed when something I REALLY wanted didn’t work out.

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But I survived, and I THOUGHT I became stronger for it until I read the Invitation by Oriah.

After I got to this section I couldn’t even finish the book because I did some serious self-reflecting….. I realized I wasnt this strong enduring person like I thought I was, I was just numb, numb af. & I was negative because I thought that was the best way to guard myself. You can’t be disappointed if you don’t look forward to anything right?

We try to avoid pain by ignoring our emotions or dismissing them.

We try to numb the pain with drugs and liquor.

We isolate ourselves.

We cut or burn ourselves, or engage in other kinds of self-harm.

This is no way to live.

Pain, grief, sadness, are as a part of life and the overall life experience as much as the things that bring us joy. I remember when my sister died I just wanted to “get her funeral over with” to get out of that awkward uncomfortableness that comes when someone really close to you dies.

Let me be the one to tell you that you can spend every day hating every moment of pain you endure.

You can fight tooth and nail to escape the experience.

Yet, your resistance and anger will not lessen your pain.

If anything, your struggle will only increase it.

Each us will someday face the experience of unavoidable emotional, mental, or physical pain. Whether mild or excruciating, how we approach our physical suffering can change how we approach any discomfort in our lives.- Sarah Needles

When you’re happy you dont stop and say let me quickly end this moment. You savor it for as long as you can. You dont have to savor negative emotions or pain but you do have to let your negative emotions run their course as well.

When we fight the pain: judge it, try to push it away, avoid it, ignore it, it actually triggers other painful emotions, resulting in more emotional pain.” We also never learn healthy ways to cope. – Sheri Van Dijk, MSW

Sitting with our emotions simply means allowing them, resisting the urge to get rid of the pain and not judging ourselves for having these emotions.

Ways to Cope with pain: 

1. Observe your emotions.

Sit with your emotions by noting what you’re experiencing without judging yourself.

2. Validate your emotions.

Validating your emotions means accepting them. If you just lost someone or broke up with a boyfriend you have every reason to feel sad or be emotional.

3. Focus on the present.

It’s also helpful to focus our attention on now and not wallowing in the experience. This prolongs the pain.

Understand that:

• Resistance creates more pain
• its okay to cry or be sad
• Pain is unavoidable
• Give yourself time
• Let go of “control”
• You need to suffer “consciously” (Observe your emotional pain, your anguish, and frustrations. Observe the constant stream of negative thoughts that run through your mind. The dreadful stories that keep feeding your pain, but choose not to identify yourself with them.)
• Give time, time.
• Spend time alone
• Reach out for help if needed.

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CHERISE

Are you happy being unhappy?

You probably had to reread that title a couple of different times because who could possibly be happy being unhappy? To be honest it’s more common than you think. So many of us blame our unhappiness on our life circumstances. “I dont have enough money, I didnt have good parents, I didnt have support growing up. If my spouse or family or friends would only do this then I would be happy. Once I get my degree Ill be happy”

Blah

Blah

Blah.

The only person that is in control of your happiness is you.

An article by Psychology Today states that people who are addicted to unhappiness tend to:

• Find reasons to be miserable when life gets “too good.”
• Prefer to play the victim role and blame others rather than take personal responsibility for their choices.
• Compete with friends and colleagues to see who has it the hardest.
• Have difficulty setting and achieving goals, or conversely achieve goals only to find that they can’t enjoy their success.
• Struggle to bounce back when things don’t go their way.
• Distract, escape or cope by using drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or other addictive or compulsive behaviors.
• Stop taking care of their basic needs, such as a healthy diet, regular exercise, and adequate sleep.
• Feel enslaved to their emotions and powerless to change.
• Feel dissatisfied even when life is going well.
• Have dramatic, unfulfilling relationships.

Similarly, LonerWolf reports that:

People find it hard to let go of things that make them miserable because they also bring them some type of pleasure. It can come in many forms:

• Sympathy: Our society and social etiquette encourages sympathy as a form of virtue. If you complain about being sick, about struggling with a personal problem, there’s always a sympathetic ear to listen and offer “you poor thing” and “awww”s that will make you feel special and indulge your egotistical need of acknowledgment and attention.
• Desires and Expectations: This is attaching yourself to a misery now in order that your future desires will occur. For instance, you might have some ambition to achieve that is bringing you present miseries. So your expectations of the future are the things causing you problems in the present.  Things aren’t going the way you presumed they would.

I was inspired to write on this subject because I am reading the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and there is a section in the book entitled “All Problems are Illusions of the Mind” the book states that there are no problems, only situations to be dealt with now or to be left alone and accepted as part of the “isness” of the present moment until they change or can be dealt with. Problems are mind-made and they need time to survive.

A “problem” by most people’s standards is “an active relationship (a relationship that extends over a period of time) between a human being and a situation that triggers a negative emotion.

For example:

If you stub your toe and have an instant of pain, that’s not a problem. It’s an event.

It only becomes a problem when the pain lasts an extended period of time. Then you’ve probably broken your toe.

If you’re not in pain beyond that instant, then you don’t expend any effort to reducing the pain. You never look for a solution.

IF YOU ARE NOT ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR A SOLUTION YOU DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. 

Im not saying complications and things dont arise but in the words of Eckart Tolle “challenges exist, but problems are mind-made. Challenges are something that can only be tackled in the present moment and require action.”

You’ll find that most unhappy people have a solution right in front of them but for whatever reason, they choose to obsess and worry about it instead (in comes the anxiety).

If you’re someone with a “problem” for every solution, you probably enjoy being unhappy.